Building on a Firm Foundation Anything of a lasting nature is built on a firm and solid foundation, and marriage is no different. The only sure foundation for life is the Word of God. In one of his most famous teachings, Jesus vividly illustrated the danger of trying to build a life on an inadequate foundation. Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash (Matthew 7:24-27). Just as a house built on a poor foundation will be blown away in a storm, so marriage is unlikely to survive the tempests of life unless it is firmly established on bedrock spiritual principles. Let’s consider ten foundation stones upon which to build a happy and successful marriage.
- Love.
Love can be described in many different ways, but we are concerned here with agape, the love that defines the very nature of God. Agape is self-denying and self-giving, sacrificial love of the type that Paul, one of the writers of the New Testament, spoke of when he wrote: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres. Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a). Love in marriage is more than just a feeling or an emotion; it is a choice. Love is a decision you make anew every day with regard to your spouse. Whenever you rise up in the morning or lie down at night or go through the affairs of the day, you are choosing continually to love that man or that woman you married. Love in marriage is more than just a feeling or an emotion; it is a CHOICE. Understanding that love is a choice will help keep you out of trouble when temptation comes (and it will). Knowing you have made a decision to love your husband or your wife will carry you through those times when he or she has made you angry, or when you see that handsome or attractive coworker at the office. You could have married someone else, but that’s not the point. The point is, you made a decision. When you married your spouse, you chose to love and cherish him or her for the rest of your life. That love must be freshened daily. One of the most important foundation stones for a happy marriage is sacrificial love for your spouse that you choose to renew daily.
- Truth.
Truth is fundamental in marriage. A marriage that is not based on truth is headed for trouble right away. The greatest and most reliable source of truth in the Bible, which is the Word of God, who is Himself the truth and the one who designed and instituted marriage. Every conscientious husband and wife should measure their marriage by the unchanging standard of the principles found in God’s Word. The Bible is a truthful and reliable guide for every area of life. Every conscientious husband and wife should measure their marriage by the unchanging standard of the principles found in God’s Word. Truthfulness between husband and wife is an indispensable part of a successful marriage. No one’s interests are served if spouses are not honest with each other. Honesty, tempered and seasoned with love, fosters an environment of trust.
- Trust
Trust is closely related to truth. If a husband and wife want their marriage to be happy and successful, they must be able to trust each other implicitly. Nothing damages a marriage more than broken trust. It’s hard to grow and prosper in an atmosphere of bitterness, resentment, and suspicion. That is why both partners should take great care to ensure that they do not say or do anything to give each other any reason to doubt or distrust them. Trust enables a husband and wife to enjoy a relationship characterized by openness and transparency, with no secrets or “locked rooms” that are kept off-limits to each other. Trust is also an essential element of commitment. Nothing damages a marriage more than broken trust.
- Commitment.
Commitment is a frightening word to many people in our society today. They are afraid of being locked in or tied down to any kind of a long-term arrangement. That is one reason why many marriages do not last. A man and a woman approach the marriage altar and exchange their vows but are just going through the motions, giving only lip service to commitment. Their idea of marriage is to hang together until the going gets rough, and then they can split. If their marriage “works,” okay, and if it doesn’t, oh well. Few people who marry plan for their marriages to fail, but neither do they specifically plan for success. Those who do not plan for success are virtually guaranteed to fail. Commitment is the lifeblood of a marriage. Part of our problem is that we do not understand the nature of a covenant. Marriage is a “blood covenant” of sorts and, like the blood covenants of old, it lasts a lifetime. A blood covenant was neither entered nor broken lightly. Violation of a blood covenant brought serious consequences. Marriage involves just as serious a commitment. It is, first of all, a commitment to the institution of marriage and, second, an exclusive commitment to that person we have chosen to love and cherish for life. Commitment is the lifeblood of a marriage.
- Respect.
Any healthy relationship, marriage included, must be built on mutual respect. To respect someone means to esteem that person, to consider him or her worthy of high regard. Wives should respect their husbands and husbands should respect their wives. One reason why so many marriages are in trouble is that the husband has never learned to regard his wife with proper respect. Many men grow up to regard women as little more than sex objects to be possessed and used at will. Never learning any different, they carry this same ignorant viewpoint into marriage. Whoever desires respect must show respect to others and live in a manner worthy of respect. God created man—male and female—in His own image. He created them equally in every significant way. Husbands and wives who see each other as made in God’s image will never have any problems with respect. Whoever desires respect must show respect to others and live in a manner worthy of respect. Anyone who would be respected must be respectable.
- Submission.
Healthy marriages are built not only on mutual respect but also on mutual submission. We hear so often that wives are supposed to submit to their husbands that we forget that submission goes both ways. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Eph. 5:21-22,25). Jesus’ giving Himself up in death out of love for His Church was the ultimate act of submission. Ephesians 5:25 says that husbands are supposed to love their wives in that same way, a love characterized by sacrificial, self-giving submission. Submission is the willingness to give up our right to our- selves, to freely surrender our insistence on having our own way all the time. Properly understood, there is nothing demeaning about submission. It is chosen freely, not imposed from without. Essentially, submission is the willingness to give up our right to ourselves, to freely surrender our insistence on having our own way all the time. Submission means putting the needs, rights, and welfare of another person ahead of our own. A marriage built on this kind of submission will grow healthy, strong, and fulfilling.
- Knowledge.
It would be almost impossible to over-emphasize the importance of knowledge as a firm foundation for marriage. Many marriages struggle or fail because of a lack of knowledge. Couples enter married life with no clue as to what marriage is or is not. They carry unrealistic and unreasonable expectations of themselves, their spouses, and their relationship as a whole. With all the resources that are currently available, and because so much is at stake, there is no excuse today for marital ignorance or illiteracy. This is why a period of courtship and engagement is so important and why premarital counseling is indispensable. Couples considering marriage need time to get to know one another. They need time to talk about their dreams, their desires, and their expectations. They need time to study and learn the spiritual foundations and principles for marriage that God has given in His Word. With all the resources that are currently available, and because so much is at stake, there is no excuse today for marital ignorance or illiteracy.
- Faithfulness.
Faithfulness is closely related to commitment and also has a lot to do with trust. When we speak of faithfulness in marriage, we most often have sexual relations in mind. Faithful partners will be true, reserving sexual expression exclusively for each other. This is why many married couples who were sexually active before marriage often have trouble in their relationships. The basic element of faithfulness is missing. Even if they have pledged to be faithful to each other, there is always that shadow of a doubt. It doesn’t take much for that shadow to become a dark storm cloud looming over everything. Marital fidelity means that your spouse’s health, happiness, security, and welfare take a higher place in your life than anything else except your own relationship with the Lord. Marital faithfulness involves more than just sexual fidelity. Being faithful to your wife also means defending her and affirming her beauty, intelligence, and integrity at all times, particularly before other people. Faithfulness to your husband means sticking up for him, always building him up and never tearing him down. Marital fidelity means that your spouse’s health, happiness, security, and welfare take a higher place in your life than anything else except your own relationship with the Lord.
- Patience.
Patience is another essential foundation stone for building a successful and happy marriage. Why? Marriage brings together two totally different people with different experiences, different backgrounds, different temperaments, different likes and dislikes, and sometimes even different cultures. Because of these differences, both partners will have to make major adjustments in their lives and attitudes if their marriage is to succeed. Some bumps and bruises along the way are inevitable. She may wear her hair in a way he doesn’t like. He may drive her up the wall with his habit of leaving his dirty clothes lying around everywhere. They may have a conflict regarding expectations, money management, use of leisure time, sex, parenting any number of things. The critical key in dealing with conflict and adjusting to differences is patience. Both partners will need truckloads of it! The critical key in dealing with conflict and adjusting to differences is patience.
- Financial stability.
Financial stability is one of the most often overlooked foundation stones of marriage. Many young couples who are planning to marry give little thought to the importance of entering marriage with a well-established financial base. I cannot count the number of times I have seen this for myself. A young couple comes to me and says, “We would like to get married.” “Are either of you working?” “No.” “Then how do you expect to make it?” “We’re in love. We’ll make it. Love will find away.” Love is certainly important, even critical, but let’s be practical. Love won’t pay the rent or put food on the table. Adjusting to married life is difficult and challenging enough on its own. The last thing any couple needs is to go into the marriage with a lot of minuses. Financial instability is one of the biggest minuses of all. If you’re having money problems before you are married, what makes you think they will go away after you are married? The time to think about finances is before the wedding—long before. A couple should discuss the matter frankly and honestly and have a clear financial plan in place before they take their vows. There should be a steady and dependable source of income. At the very least, the man should have steady employment. No woman, even if she has her own career and plans to continue working, should marry a man who does not have a job. If she does, she will most likely end up supporting him, rather than the other way around. Financial difficulty is one of the main causes of marital failure. Never underestimate the importance of financial stability to a successful marriage. Financial difficulty is one of the main causes of marital failure.